Zsa Zsa vs MMDA

Pinoy Kasi : Zsa Zsa vs MMDA

First posted 00:19am (Mla time) June 16, 2006
By Michael L. Tan
Inquirer

Editor's Note: Published on Page A15 of the June 16, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

ZSA ZSA Zaturnah, that is, and for those who are still caught in a 20th century time-warp, Zsa Zsa’s the amazing comic book character created by Carlo Vergara, the popular strip converted into a box-office hit of a play and now about to become a film that I am certain will be a block-buster.

Zsa Zsa starts out as a homely beautician who, by swallowing a magic stone, is transformed into a kind of combination Darna and Eula Valdez, indomitable and sultry, who fights all kinds of evil scum of the earth.

Now, what does Zsa Zsa have to do with the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA)?

Well, you see, since we’re on the topic of evil, have you noticed how Metro Manila has been under siege lately from hordes of highway robbers -- in MMDA uniforms?

Over the summer, the MMDA began to field large numbers of traffic aides and at that time, I thought, oh, just in time to help decongest the traffic, which had turned from bad to horrendously bad after they lifted the number-coding scheme. But lo and behold, the traffic worsened and, no wonder, it looks like the traffic aides have been too busy extorting money from motorists.

To show how bad the situation is, twice in a month, I was nearly victimized, both times along Ortigas Avenue, in a kind of godforsaken Bermuda Triangle between the Greenmeadows Avenue and Medical City populated by droves of MMDA ghouls waiting for prey.

That area isn’t their only haunt. I have friends reporting similar colonies of these scoundrels in other parts of the city, usually when it’s close to merienda or meal time.

Wimp

Before going on, let me explain that I am the most scrupulous person when it comes to observing traffic rules. I use my seat belts. I stop at all red signals, even if it’s 2 a.m. and there aren’t any other cars coming in any direction. In other words, I’m a law-abiding wimp when I’m behind the wheel, and even when I’m not. My friends will attest to that because they get an earful from me when they’re driving: “Seat belts,” “Slow down, yellow ahead,” “Stop, red light,” “Careful, there’s a dog,” “Wait, there’s a frog crossing.” (Okay, okay, so that last one was just to keep you reading.)

Now, with that explanation, let me narrate my encounters with the MMDA’s low life -- and with Zsa Zsa. I’m writing about the incidents partly in the hope of getting the attention of MMDA officials but, having little faith in the authorities, also hoping that you as motorists might be able to arm yourselves against these road bandits.

The first incident occurred about a month ago. I had driven past the intersection of Rodriguez-Lanuza Avenue and Ortigas just as the traffic light changed from green to yellow. Mind you, green to yellow, not yellow to red, which would still have been fine. An aide came strutting forward and tried to flag me down. I glared at him and drove on, but that incident irritated me. I noticed there were quite a few of them hanging around, so I knew there was something insidious going on in that area.

Last week’s incident was more serious. This time, I was in my friend Jepoy’s car and he was driving. After years of my backseat driving, he’s learned to follow most of the rules, at least when I’m around. That day, he stopped dutifully on a red light, then turned right on a green. Guess what? It was like we’d driven into hell, with Lucifer’s minions descending upon us. This time there was no escape. They had formed a gauntlet and forced two or three cars to the curb, with each car taken over by one aide.

Magic stone

The face of corruption can be so deceptive. Our aide was courteous but went straight to the point, claiming we had turned right on a red signal.

“Hulidap,” I thought: a hold-up in the guise of “huli” [apprehension]. I kept calm but was firm about maintaining that we had not turned on a red signal, and asked if there was proof we did. Of course, the aide didn’t have any, and he kept muttering that they didn’t apprehend people unless they’d violated a rule.

I stood my ground, and then shifted the argument: Even if the traffic light was red, which wasn’t the case, we had every right to turn unless there was a sign that said “No right turn on a red signal.” He insisted there was such a sign. “Oh?” I asked, “I drive through nearly every day of the week and I’ve never seen it.” I wanted to go back with the aide so he could show me the sign, but the fateful intersection was about 100 meters back.

I marveled at the amazing vision these devils had to be able to spot erring motorists from such a distance. It was clear they were corrupt to the core, and that I had to shift tactics.

No, I didn’t invoke some politician’s name, or flash a general’s calling card. I swallowed my magic stone. And voila, this wimp metamorphosed into Zsa Zsa minus the sexy outfit. I smiled and told the aide to go ahead and issue a ticket, and as Jepoy squirmed in his seat, I looked at the aide straight in his eye and then at his name patch. Then I whipped out paper and pen, declaring that I needed his identification card so I could get his complete name and address.

The aide paused, clearly caught off guard, then resumed his mantra about not apprehending people who had not violated the law. I assured him I understood what he was saying and that there was no problem since I was ready to meet him in court, but I wanted to make sure he would be there as well so could he please give me his ID and do it fast because I had an appointment to catch.

There was a brief stalemate. Then he waved us on, still insisting he never flagged people down unless they had violated the law.

The next day, I went back to the intersection. There was no sign barring a right turn on a red light. But let me emphasize again, we turned on a green light. This was pure extortion.

I’m not naming the aide. The jerk probably has three or four families to feed and really, he’s just another cog in a corrupt system. But the MMDA better get its act together. Other people are noticing the rising incidence of “hulidap” from among these aides -- on and off the road. One official in an international business association complained to me the other day that aides had approached him, offering to “adjust” the wired MMDA fences near his office so his car could pass through -- for a fee of course.

He doesn’t want to be named, which tells us about where we are today: at the mercy of mere aides turned terrorists, acting with impunity. Pay up and you encourage the thugs to go on victimizing other motorists.

If one of these hoodlums accosts you and you are certain you’re right, do what I did and ask for their ID. I know there’s a risk here that they would issue a ticket, which could mean additional hassles, so you’ll have to assess whether you can afford that. You could think of other ways to argue your way through, maybe threaten to report them to Inquirer’s Ramon Tulfo. (Don’t drop my name. Goodness, those illiterates don’t, can’t, read my column.)

As for the magic stone, I was joking. But then again, maybe there's a bit of Zsa Zsa in all of us.